The Drug Of The Nation...

I have been labelled “a snob” on several occasions in the past, most notably by a certain ex, who almost certainly wasn’t called Louise. I don’t mind though, I’m almost proud, which in itself is quite snobbish. But it’s not my fault, how can I be anything other than a snob when I was brought up in a home that has a leather bound binder for the Radio Times?

We were definitely a ‘BBC’ family in our house – I’m noteven sure our set even had an ITV button. How great was it that channels had their own buttons? Oh and that’s ITV - as I still insist oncalling it and not ITV1. But I think this BBC bias has left me with an odd sort of love affair with Auntie. I think the BBC is great. There, I said it. I think we should be proud of it and despite the fact that they refuse to commission any scripts I send then, despite the fact they didn't want my radio show to elevate from local BBC Radio to national BBC Radio, despite Coming of Age (the twatcom for people who found The Inbetweeners too subtle), despite the awfullness of Radio 1 since the mid 90s, I still think it's a fantastic institution worthy of the license fee, I really do. Take the BBC out of TV and it really would be a travesty - with the exception of losing Mrs Brown's Boys from our screens. I'll leave my fawning of the beeb there whilst I fight the urge to add a sentence with the word 'bastion' in it.

Which leads me to the rest of today's blog - thoughts I've had when scanning all the other arsewash channels we have now whether we like it or not. In fact, dear old Auntie is actually responsible for the first thing I noticed when surfing (sitting on your arse clicking a button is exactly like risking your life on an ironing board in the Atlantic) the channels earlier today.

I found Cash In The Attic on one channel. That’s a load of pretentious old toilet isn’t it? On the presenterial (think I've made that up) merry-go-round the show employs it was curious Ally McLeod-in-drag-a-like Jennie Bond today. The premise seems to be to get some ponce called Jonty or something to wander (not wonder) round someone’s house, who of course just happen to have a load of valuable antiques in their attic anyway. Funny that.The people they have on there are always the kind of people who can clearly afford to do what they want to do anyway, without even having to flog things at an auction. It’s so melodramatic though, like when they’re at the auction and they’re not quite hitting the prices Jonty’s valued them at, they start playing all this histrionic music! Oh no! Some toffee-nosed gets aren’t going to make the money they 'need' to buy an Aga for their second home in the Swiss Alps. Oh tragedy! They’d be buggered if they came to my house to do the show. Only things they’d find in my attic are a load of Haynes manuals for cars I’ve never owned, a Rap'Tou and a wasp’s nest. And that would never generate enough cash to get Sebastian's cello restored would it. I don't know, these snobs hey...

I did once consider going on Bargain Hunt though, but I quickly discarded that idea. Purely because I couldn’t ever be seen on TV wearing a red or blue fleece.

Amazingly, despite all these channels, I couldn't find 'The World's Strongest Man' - which is unheard of for a Bank Holiday. I was shocked also to discover Gold hadn't lazily scheduled a day of Carry Ons, which is a shame as I always enjoy scanning the Radio Times when I know a Carry On is on to see if anyone's been able to describe it as anything other than a "bawdy comedy".

My daughter and I then found ourselves watching one of the updated Alvin & The Chipmunks films. I've now got my daughter doing one of the most pointless things in that I seem to rope myself into. That dangerous game of watching a film that you've not only seen, but have on DVD anyway. How many times have you found yourself doing that late at night? It's right there, on the shelf next to you, you can watch it at any time. Probably an edited for TV version too. But you sit there and watch it! And it’s already started too, so you’ve missed the start. But no, we sit there and waste half an hour of our lives doing something you can do any time you like.

We then had a quick burst of Catchphrase, which never fails to wind me up a treat. What frustrates me most is when people on there don’t know the answer, but guess and say something that doesn’t exist. It was at the ‘Bonus Catchphrase’ bit when I joined the proceedings; you know, where they remove a square one by one. Anyway, most of the squares had gone andthere’s Mr. Chips there, holding a top hat next to a boiling kettle. This contestant had no idea what it is, that’s fine, I didn’t either. So if you don't know, you say “I don’t know”, right? Wrong! He doesn’t do that, he thinks he knows. Well, no. He knows he doesn't know, but still thinks he can get it right. “Err.... Steamed hat?”Steamed hat? Why would it be that? Yes “steamed hat”, that well known phrase or saying. If you don’t know, say nothing. It’s not going to be something that doesn’t exist is it! Say what you see? No! Say fuck all unless it’s something that actually exists.

In the end my daughter went for drawing pictures of her friends and family and I went for the ever-charming sitcom The Good Life. It's something that I've never actually seen every single episode of, so I treated myself to the box-set and am working my way through. It's not a huge laughfest, but it's pleasurable to watch, gently amusing and features some great performances of well-rounded characters. I love Margo most - but then I would, what with us both being such snobs...