You Didn't Have To Cut Me Off...
You didn’t have to cut me off... There’s a reason why that song ‘Somebody I Used To Know’ was such a monstrous hit in early 2012 – yes, it really was seven years ago already - and that’s because the lyric tapped into the way people treat their ex’s in a way that most other moments in pop never have. I can only speak for myself, but I’ve had this happen to me twice now - each time after about five years. I’ve split up with women myself before of course - I’ve been the dumper as well as the dumpee - but it’s always been after a short while, largely because it’s evident that my heart just isn’t in it. If I’m years into a relationship however, I’m completely certain that I’m happy to stay with this person forever and experience all the highs - and of course lows - that come with a long-term relationship. To be with someone for so long I’m prepared to stay with them through thick and thin and, well, forever. However, it has become clear that twice in my life now, I have chosen a woman that isn’t prepared to work through the bad times and will instead fuck off with someone else who isn’t experiencing such problems, rather than work through them. I’ll be honest, I’m not the best person in the world at dealing with the stresses of life. In the former case, I’d been made redundant, had to move back home and couldn’t get a job. So yes, admittedly life wasn’t exactly party central for a few months, but instead of sticking by me, supporting me and seeing things through, she began shagging a boorish, skip-driving imbecile behind my back before subsequently moving in with him. The latter case however, I really thought things were different. This one, I thought, was incredibly smart, compassionate and thoughtful and not a in the least bit a self-serving, selfish, heartless bitch like her predecessor. And to all intents and purposes she was the polar opposite. She was working in a pub when I met her and as well as falling for her, I also recognised her potential to better herself. As I say, she’s very intelligent so I convinced her to go back to her studies and get a degree. Which she did. - something which her so-called friends never encouraged her to do of course. Ask yourself why... When we met, I was DJing in said pub at the weekends whilst doing the same thing that I was advising her to do -
although I was a year ahead in my own studies. When after three and a half years I got my degree and a job, I got us a place to live in. As she wasn’t working, I had to foot the bill for most things and to be honest, this is where things went a bit pear-shaped. I didn’t blame her for having no money, I just hated the fact we were always broke and as one might expect, it made me fed up. It really got to me that we could never do anything and I couldn’t give her the things I wanted to. The only holiday we could manage was a few days in Weymouth, which her dad largely paid for. I was still more than happy to be with her because I knew it was only going to be temporary, but of course, every now and again when I got really skint we’d argue. Usually about nothing, but because of feeling like a let-down to her, the little things got to me more than they should. And as is true, you end up taking things out on the one closest to you. However, as I say, it was only going to be temporary as we had a plan. Everything was in place for when she qualified. I never imagined even once that this plan would never materialise and she would end up leaving me. It never crossed my mind that she could even entertain the idea of leaving. Once she had also finished her studies, we would buy a house together and begin building the rest of our lives together. We’d even decided on the names for our children. So as stressful as things were at times, the fact that we still talked about our future all the time meant I never thought our future would be apart.
Then in early summer 2017, things got even more ‘committed’ when we had an addition to the home. She found and fell in love with a rescue dog she found online and we brought him into our lives. Again, another indicator of a future together you’d think. And you may well ask yourself as I did – and indeed still do - if I was so bad to live with and she wanted out, why were we getting a dog? And as well as that, why had we decided on Edward for a boy or Belinda for a girl (she was vehemently against that name actually)? Why did she make me sell my red sports car and get a big family estate car? Why did we go house hunting on Sunday afternoons? If she saw no future with me, why was she doing all this? And so close to when she suddenly left too? I still don’t know to this day and I’m sure I never will, because like my other long-term ex – the very second they decided it’s over then that’s it. I’m instantly supposed to ‘accept it, get over it and move on’ as though it’s that simple, as though after five years I’m not entitled to any answers or explanations. As someone who can’t help over-analysing absolutely everything this isn’t very helpful. Why can’t these women just explain themselves? Why can’t I know when things changed, what made things change? Why they won’t try to work things out? Why they didn’t say anything earlier so things might not have got so bad? I can’t speak for and am not speaking for all women of course, but what I have found personally is that women are very, very good at switching off their feelings, cutting themselves off from any love that there may have been - basically being heartless. I’ve given this a lot of thought as you can imagine, and I can only conclude that they don’t give me answers because it’ll show them in a rather bad light and that would never do would it. So they just pull down the shutters, refuse to speak and blame it on me for not getting over it and or moving on. Perhaps I could if you actually helped put my mind to rest!
I seem to have wandered a bit. Ah, I was talking about all the things she did that pointed to her being more than happy to have a future with me. Like making me change the car. The car purchased I might add was a fucking lemon and I did blame her for it I concede, but still, hardly a hanging offence. It boiled down to the fact that I had to buy a second-hand car because, yes you’ve guessed it, I had no money for a new one and in my mind if she hadn’t have gone on about me changing it then I wouldn’t have all the stress of it constantly breaking down, the electrics packing up and frustratingly of all, the boot refusing to close/open every single time I needed to use it. But still, I don’t think that’s the worst thing someone can do within a relationship. This is something else that bewilders me somewhat. I know so many men who do far, far worse yet the women they do it to keep going back to them, but I do minor things like being moody because I’m broke or can’t get a job and that seems to be the worst thing ever. It’s unforgivable to be depressed about being broke, but cheating on someone or knocking seven shades shit out of them seems to be
something that can be got past and no reason to break up. I honestly don’t get it. I can’t seem to win whatever I do. If I’m too nice they’re not interested, then any time in a relationship I’m not then they fuck off. Yet every time you see some absolute piece of work, they always have a girlfriend that loves them. So what are they doing that I’m not?
But anyway, we had all these plans and a dog and a haunted Honda. Then suddenly after about a month or two of her final year of studies she left. That was it. Five years over and all our plans up in smoke. First off, she blamed me. I was an arsehole, made her feel worthless, etc which is arguably a valid point, but why not flag that up first? If I was so unbearable, why not say something? And as I say, why was she planning on a future with me if that was the case? And then that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t me, it was her. She’d had a “late 20s crisis” and wanted to travel and see the world. I should add at this juncture that a year previous to this she’d gone to Thailand for two months. Something that I was happy for her to do and as she even admitted herself, not many boyfriends would be so charitable. But I loved her, I trusted her and if she really wanted to do that, who am I to stop her? So it was all about traveling again. I tried everything I possibly could to change her mind but as appears to be as true as the ocean being wet, when a woman makes up her mind there is no way of changing it. I accept that the stresses of money made me hard to be with at times, but then she could be a right moody old cow at times too. But that’s no reason to throw away the rest of our lives together. Nor is money. I mean, what couple hasn’t ever argued about money? In fact in the grand scheme of things we didn’t argue that much. We got tetchy with each other at times and the cause could always be traced to money - or a lack of. And that’s what frustrates me most. We were so close to the finish line. In about six months she’d have finished her studies and we’d both be working and earning. But there was no convincing her. The travel bug had bitten her now and that was that. She was going travelling when she finished at university. I suggested we both went. Nope, she was going alone (remember that). I’ll never know for sure but I really think that someone got into her head and turned her. She wouldn’t admit that of course and over Christmas that year she turned into an unrecognizable, angry ball of abuse. I still think some of the messages she sent me were her ‘mate’ - because I couldn’t imagine such venom and hatred coming from her, especially as I hadn’t done anything that bad and was being extra nice to her anyway. Her mate though, I could. This is the mate she was now almost married to as they paraded themselves over social media with incessant selfies and pouting mirror shots - something that my beaux used to slag women off for, including said mate. But now this was the thing do
apparently. And abuse me. This was also the mate she went to Thailand with and who treated her like shit. Almost every day I’d get texts or calls from her and she’d be in tears because her ‘mate’ and this other girl had upset her. One time they even refused to go to hospital with her because they’d arranged to go to some piss up with some blokes. But now, oh she’s the best friend a girl could wish for. She can forget all that, but she can’t forget that fact I once said referred to her “fat arse” during a row. Yes gentleman, say one thing to your sweetheart that you don’t even mean in the heat of the moment, and they’ll remember that forever. Say a million romantic things before and after, that you DO mean and they’ll remember you said they had a fat arse. Into the new year of 2018 which would supersede 2011 as my ultimate ‘annus horribilis’ and every now and again she’d soften. Sometimes she’d even visit, or see the dog. Sometimes she’d stay the night and come Easter we were getting on pretty well again and she virtually moved back in. Of course, as is clear as day now she was simply using me for convenience as she was on a teaching placement just round the corner from my house. And when that ended, so did her visits. She was on Tinder, declaring herself as having ”a love of beards – especially if they are on funny men”. That was a hard to take I can tell you. I really used to make her laugh, to the point where she’d almost shout the laugh as I’d really tickled her deeply. As well as he quest for a clone of my, she was also seeing our wee doggy less too, despite having the nerve to accuse me of taking her dog. There was no way she actually wanted him, he’d have been a huge inconvenience to her. But it suited her to blame me. Then her beloved nan became ill and I did all I could to support her, especially when she subsequently died. Then she dropped a bombshell - which we shall return to a bit later - in that she was now seeing someone. She thought I should hear it from her as she was concerned I’d be hurt should I hear it from someone else. The date to remember here is July 27th. I was obviously upset and she reassured me that “it’s not serious” and “we aren’t a couple”. Then a few weeks later and on the night of August 15th in particular she started texting me. It became apparent pretty quickly that she was fishing for compliments, love and in general, somebody, as she wanted to come over and stay the night with me. “I feel lonely tonight”, “just sick of men”, “I can’t imagine loving anyone or anyone loving me”, “I do miss you and I’ll always have love for you, I just can’t come back”, “it’s really hard not to come over for comfort and sex because I want to” were among the many texts I received that night. Then, just as I was about to leave to pick her up she began to talk herself out of it. And so it didn’t happen. The thing is, if I was so bad to be around, as she had originally cited, why for the first eight months of the year was I OK to talk to, visit, spend time with and sleep with? Surely if I was the arsehole that she’d initially painted me to be and I made her feel so bad that she had to end a five year relationship, then why was she bothering with me? Why if I’m so horrid, after all that time did she “want to come over for comfort and sex”? After that close call, she then went suspiciously quiet on me, but as it was her birthday very soon and she was clearly down and feeling sorry for herself, especially after losing her nan, I decided to get her something nice for her birthday. She’s a huge Harry Potter fan so after a great deal of time, effort and money that I don’t really have, I got her the
entire set of new Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts LEGO minifigures, and had them mounted in custom-made cases. I also made her a card, gesturing some special memories from our life together. But when on September 3rd I inquired about how I could get them to her she didn’t reply. When I asked if everything was alright, she blocked me on WhatsApp. And then my number so I couldn’t text or ring her. And on Facebook. And on Instagram. And on Snapchat. She was determined to completely shut me off without any explanation. She hadn’t gone this far even when we first broke up. The lines of communication had always been kept open in some way. In fact I remember her demanding I didn’t block her on Snapchat because she wanted to be able to see the snaps of the dog I would regularly post. But now, something had happened because all dialogue must now cease for good. I was absolutely floored, almost as much as when she first left me. I then remembered I had an email address and so I emailed her. Amazingly she replied, but in a somewhat harsh fashion - the concern she initially claimed to have when she first told me she was “seeing someone” now completely evaporated. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was to stop contacting her, she didn’t want to hear from me ever again. There was even a message for our little doggy - she wasn’t going to see him ever again either. She still though had the audacity to imply that she was doing it out of the goodness of her heart. ‘You need to move on and can’t if we’re in contact’. The last thing she ever said to me was downright heartless. "You were horrible and I didn't want to be with you anymore. Frankly, I deserve better.I tried being friends. I should never have slept with you again. It was a mistake and I regret it massively. You aren't my friend. You never were". Talk about sticking the knife in. Why is it OK for women to do this and be so cruel? I can't imagine saying anything like that to someone whose heart I'd broken and was clearly struggling to cope. Move on? Like I hadn’t been trying! I could write about 17 blogs on my dating exploits that year, but in all honesty most of the women I meet aren’t even close to her. Then true to form, when I do meet someone I like and could end up feeling the same way about, they don’t like me do they. In fact there was one who I rather foolishly got my hopes up over, before realising pretty sharpish that she wasn’t even remotely interested in me and has now, funnily enough gone back to an ex who was an utter arsehole to her.
Since ‘Blocked Monday’ though, I’ve struggled a bit. I’ve got an insanely high rent to pay by myself on a house that just reminds me of her all the time. And I have the tie and responsibility of a dog. I love him to pieces and he’s kept me sane, maybe even alive, but I still think it’s a fucking liberty leaving me with such a responsibility when it was her that wanted him. I often think of her, living it up in the far east or wherever she might be whilst I’m out on a freezing cold morning, picking up his steaming turds off ice-tinged leaves with a bag-wrapped hand. I wouldn’t give him up for the world but it does seem a little unfair. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt happy. I know I haven’t throughout 2018. I still don’t know if it’s actually her I miss, or just having that special someone - someone who’s there when you get home. Or just simply being in love. And then a few days before Christmas, my daughter innocently told me that she’d seen her and some bloke on Facebook tagging themselves in Thailand (remember she was going on her own). “He’s not attractive at all” she added. That’s my girl. But with that knowledge that was it, I had to see. And a friend duly sent me a picture my former girlfriend in the arms of a gormless, bald git who works in a wine shop. As I’m not blocked by him I thought I’d nose around his page and I noted that on August 1st he was ‘in a relationship’. Which interestingly enough was around the same time she told me was ‘seeing someone’. Remember? The one that wasn’t serious. The one she wasn’t “together” with. It seems he didn’t get the same info as me as he seemed to think he was now in a relationship. You may now also like to recall the date of August 15th. You know, the night she was feeling lonely and wanted to stay the night with me? Two weeks after he’d announced they were in a relationship... I mentioned this to three female friends and they all said that’s why she cut me off and blocked me. Because she’d got something to hide. I knew what she did and funnily enough it might look bad in his eyes if he knew what she’d been texting me. “She was obviously worried about the truth getting out” said one friend. Another added “I know that’s why! It’s how we are. Using you because she can without the attachment until someone else comes along”. Something else my daughter said recently on the way back from a party. “Why don’t people stay together anymore? It’s really sad”. I don’t know my angel, but I wish they did...