Why Facebookers can fuck off...

Facebook can fuck off. I’ve had enough of it now. But it’s not Facebook’s fault really because as with most things in life, the hell is other people. Obviously there are the general irritations from Facebook itself, like the inability to like a hot friend’s photo without one’s significant other seeing it. Or the fact that every time I go on now the main things to appear in my news feed are swathes of page suggestions – especially on the iPhone app. I’ve only got myself to blame I suppose, I liked one - not even hardcore - glamour model (Leanne Crow if you’re interested and you know you are) and now Facebook has assumed that I want to know about every jugged-up porn slave in the universe. Obviously I do, but I want that to be my decision.

Balloon-boobed bimbos aside, the other reason why there’s little other than page suggestions appearing is because I ended up having to slap a large proportion of my ‘friend’s with the ‘don’t show in news feed’ kipper. If Facebook is good at one thing then it’s opening your eyes to just how dim and dull an awful lot of people are. How little people have to say – not that this stops them mind you. People you know and like too.

Basically Facebook and social media in general has given idiots a platform on which to broadcast their mind-numbing, illiterate, duller-than-dishwater drivel under their delusional notion that anyone actually gives a shiny shite that their little brat has been given a worthless certificate for having the tidiest peg at school that day. OK, it’s not worthless to the little one, make a fuss of it with them of course, but really, we’re not impressed thanks. Are we really meant to think “Wow, she’s doing such a good job with that child” and “Wow, how clever of him to keep his peg tidy!”? I suspect deep down someone has a complex about how people view their parenting skills and so take to the ‘book to impress their great skills upon us all. And whilst we’re here, we don’t care that your child got a good school report. These days THEY ALL DO! OK?

Now before all the females get their labelling guns out and cover me from head to toe with ‘misogynist’ stickers, I am merely speaking as I find. This is what I have discovered from my own use of Facebook. I’m not saying men are great and women aren’t, it just so happens that for whatever reason I don’t have any problems with the males I know - just women. It’s not all women of course, in fact I shouldn’t even need to point that out but dim people tend to take everything at face value and all that… It’s not all the women that I know either. My significant other is smarter and better read than I will ever be, and pleasingly I know some genuinely funny women. For example, should you want to follow a humorous blogger-with-breasts then look no further than the Rosie Supposes blog. She likes football too you know… I do genuinely wish more women took a proper interest in humour and silliness. But I think somewhere; someone is conditioning them not to think in an analytical way which to me is at the heart of being funny. You have to deconstruct things and look at them from different angles, but I find too many women conform to the norm too much for fear of not being accepted. They're too scared of looking silly to be silly, which is a crying shame. I’m trying to make sure my daughter grows up as silly as possible and I was absolutely delighted to be sent a picture message from her the other day of my Dad’s fat arse bending over in some tight cream slacks. Then there was the time she got her bath crayons and wrote ‘Arses here please’ on our toilet seat.

But I personally find – and am happy to provide evidence – that all the mindless tat that I see on Facebook is by a certain type of woman. I look about and see these dullards post bilge like “Cheeky glass of el vino after work? Be rude not to!” I have so many issues with this line so let’s look at them all in detail:

Why do we need to have wine referred to as ‘el vino’ now? One can only assume it’s a vain attempt to be humorous, which I suppose should be commended, but if the desire is genuine then why not try being humorous with your own creation rather than regurgitating the same tired toss that every other fucker who is as dull as you is posting? I actually opened this question up to Facebook and asked why so many ladies I know constantly need to refer to drinking and “el vino”? Not one of them was game enough to respond and give a reason justifying it. But why do people have to go on about how much they drink? I say ‘people’ because I’m sure this isn’t just a female thing. I’ve no male friends that do but I’m happy to accept that there are equal amounts of dull men posting about “a swift half on the way home”. To these people I ask; are we seriously meant to be impressed by this in some way? You tell me guys and gals – what reaction are you envisaging when you state that’s it’s “time for a drink... or three”? - presumably some sort of approval from similarly dull people. Thing is, what you’re actually doing is telling us – or at least suggesting - that you are a dull person who lives a very dull life, that you have no passions, no interests or anything to say about anything and that you are trying to mask this with drink. Which is really impressive isn’t. No amount of japery can deflect from the fact that you have no life. Going back to the status in hand, there’s a large contradictory factor here. What exactly is ‘cheeky’ about having a drink anyway? Dictionary.com says of ‘cheeky’; adjective; Impudent or insolent - so in other words, rude. So they’re having a rude drink, because it’d be rude not to? They’re worried about being rude, so to remedy this they’re having a drink which in itself is rude? Do you see how silly that is? They don’t…

Interestingly, these are exactly the same people who cannot let Friday or Monday pass without saying “Thank God it’s Friday” and “Oh no, is it Monday again?”. See, you think you’re being funny but we all know that what you’re actually saying is “My job is shit and I hate it.” It’s not Monday’s fault you hate your job is it. Instead of drinking yourself into oblivion in your spare time why not try bettering yourself, which in turn may lead to you getting a better job that you actually like? One other point on this tiresome day labelling – what is so good about Friday anyway? You still have to work! Surely Saturday and Sunday are the days to savour? But then it requires the ability to think independently and not go with the flow to notice things like that. Let me put my trumpet away and move on to the second thing that these arseheads do that makes me want to push a rusty screwdriver down my pee-hole.

Yes it’s our old favourite; 'share' and such and such will happen’. Or even worse, sharing alleged police advice about scams – the ironic thing being that actually sharing these notices is partaking in a scam in itself, but you just cannot tell people. For some reason people don’t want to hear facts and the truth. We know this to be true human phenomenon – if it wasn’t then Colin Fry would be working in insurance. You can tell them till you’re blue in the face that these are scams and they don’t mean anything. You repeatedly show them proper research into these hoaxes that highlight them as nothing but scams to collate ‘likes’ so the ‘like’ stuffed page can then be changed into a new page for a totally unrelated product, but they won’t have it. They don’t want to read it and think logically about it or consider for even a second why on earth dog-nappers would paint a bewildering array of coloured shapes on people’s gateposts because it would stop them achieving their aim. And the aim with all these self-serving people is in fact to impress on everyone just how thoughtful they are. “Look at me, I care about people being carjacked” – even though it’s happening in the suburbs of Johannesburg ten years ago. Don’t let facts get in the way of their quest to convince us of their compassion, because if they checked out everything they share they’d have nothing left to aid their “Look I care campaign”.

“Type ‘0’ here and watch what happens! It’s amazing! It really works!” No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t work. And funnily enough, the kinds of bozos who sit there all day pushing ‘0’ with their knuckles don’t work either.

Perhaps the saddest sight to see is when someone shares a picture of a Leprechaun for example with the – usually misspelt - words “Share this picture to receive the luck of the Irish and you will become rich”. And your Muppet friend has not only shared it but even acknowledged that it’s balls by adding “Oh well you never know! LOL!” Come on, yes you DO know!

My final problem with Facebook is the responses to my activity on there and I’m sorry to say this, but it’s the same group of people again – not very bright women. Now, like a lot of chaps I have reason to be friends with not very bright women on Facebook and it’s all about the holiday photos isn’t it. Most of us can survive any amount of ‘el vino’ and ‘Monday’ speak just as long as the bikini photos keeps coming. But flip it round the other way – why are these women friends with me? I find it highly unlikely that they’re scouring my page every day waiting for the day I upload my beachwear snaps. So why? Just so they can take offence to anything I say where I have the audacity to not just go with what the general consensus is with things?

Because this is what they do. They never like, comment on or even acknowledge anything I post, except for when I put something where I’m apparently complaining or “moaning” as they term it, then they can’t wait to jump in and post hilarious things like “Oooh, time of the month again is it?” or “Moaning again Joff?”. 95% of the time what I say is clearly in a tongue-in-cheek way too – but dim people don’t get tongue-in-cheek do they. They don’t get that when you sweat the small stuff, you aren’t actually that angry about it. But as I said, dimbos take everything at face value. And so their lack of brains and a less than developed sense of humour means every joke soars way over their vacant heads, leaving them with the incorrect notion that all I do is complain about everything. They only focus on things that they think are negative – yet accuse me of being the negative one. Oddly, they also always seem to interpret swearing as real venomous rage, which I really don’t get at all. I use it as comedic emphasis but again, that’s clearly lost on dimbo-dumbos. For example, the title of this blog uses the word 'fuck' - not because I'm enraged about Facebook but because of the alliteration. 'Facebook' and 'Fuck' start and end with the same letters, so from a creative point of view, they're a good match. But idiots have already decided that I'm being aggressive so they're unlikely to spot that aspect.

Remember this then - don't swear if you're giving an opinion. In fact, don't have an opinion full-stop. Well, you can, but don't have the audacity to have one that differs from the masses. If you don't agree with what the massed sheep of Britain think, then watch out. That makes you (well, me) a "grumpy old man". I'm not quite sure why having a considered opinion about something is wrong and also something that only the elderly do? So are young people these days such idiots that they're not allowed to voice an opinion? Only those who remember Del Shannon are able to notice that football officials favour Manchester United apparently. It's almost as if having a differing view that they haven't heard before is the most alien concept they can imagine. They just can't get round their heads round the fact that there might just be another way of looking at something and feel the need to - somewhat ironically - moan about someone not toeing the line. How dare I look at something analytically! How dare I look at something and make up my own mind about it rather than go along with what The Sun dictates to you! How dare I not think that everything the media has brainwashed you into thinking is right!

But these 'grumpy' posts are actually few and far between anyway and in reality virtually everything I put on my page gets largely ignored. The most I’ll get is about 4 likes, usually from the same old suspects. The most likes I ever got was for a picture of a cake I made with my daughter – I think that says it all. Yes, this is what the people of Facebook want - evidence of home-baking. Barely anything I post ever reaches double figures though, which out of over 300 ‘friends’ is a pretty poor show. It’s extra hard to swallow when you see a ‘friend’ posting “Phew! That was a long week. Bring on the weekend LOL!” which will then gather 24 likes.

So I ask again - why are women who don’t find any pictures or gags that I post funny and choose only to respond to my tongue-in-cheek moans about former school teachers of mine having inconsiderate bonfires on hot summer evenings friends with me? Friends who you send a message to asking how they are that they read, then subsequently ignore. It’s at least common courtesy to acknowledge someone full stop, however they may contact you. Clearly not everyone thinks so. Facebook I think makes people more honest in a strange way. In the street a girl would have to bullshit you and answer your request to go for a drink. They wouldn’t dare ignore you in public as that might make them look like a bit of a rude cow. But they’ve no qualms about blatantly ignoring you behind the privacy of Facebook. It seems they want you to know them, but they don’t want to know you.

It appears then that Facebook is the wrong audience for my humour, which is why I’m now blogging and tweeting more. The downside to this is the audience is much smaller and you can’t decide who sees what you say like you can with Facebook. That said, the potential audience is larger also you tend to get responses from like-minded people and not from dippy women with an alcohol problem and a life less interesting than a Yakult.

This means then if you are someone that actually appreciates silly comments, jokes, pictures and the ridiculing of dullards and dumbos then you’ll want to follow me on Twitter because there won’t be much to read from me on Facebook anymore. My only posts now will be links to my blogs which I’m sure all you ‘el vinos’ will be pleased to learn. Which are even easier to ignore than individual posts because again, like all my ‘liked’ posts, only about 10% or so of my ‘pals’ ever read them. It’s not like they’re on really niche subjects or anything though. I’m not talking about Middle-Eastern coin collecting, Shetland pony numbers or Tears For Fears B sides, they’re all pretty mainstream. But still people would rather read inane toss about other people’s dinners. Thinking about it, this one is about Facebook so should surely be of interest to everyone, seeing as you’re both on Facebook and my ‘friend’.

So I’ll expect to see at least 300 views for this blog then people. Or should I say friends? No, I probably shouldn’t…