Compilation Frustration...

As mentioned previously, I am a DJ amongst other things and unlike a lot of DJs out there, I’m actually passionate about music and have a vast knowledge of the subject. I’ll be blogging a lot more about music in the future (or ‘going forward’ if you’re a prick of a manager in an office). With a passion for, and knowledge of, music, aside from being Chloe Vevrier’s fluffer (respect if you didn’t need to Google her), a dream job for me I think would be a compiler of compilation albums. Someone does them - but whom? I’ve never met anyone that does, or seen anyone announce it as their profession when chit-chatting to Tom ‘ready quip’ O’Connor on Crosswits. Maybe it’s one person that does them? I think there’s at least one person who does the ones I’m going to look at.

A few Hallowe’ens back, I decided to do my own Hallowe’en mix (link available upon request) having noticed that most albums on this theme were, on the whole, bollocks. One in particular – 100 Hits: Halloween – caught my eye. The problem with these ‘100 Hits collections’ is that they've instantly set themselves a challenge of finding 100 records on a said theme. 100 80s (no apostrophe) hits is easy – though some still get that wrong by sticking ‘Groove Is In The Heart’ or something on it. But a specific theme like Hallowe’en is a tough one. As a DJ who has done various Hallowe’en parties over the years, I soon came to realise that there aren’t actually that many spooky songs out there - certainly not enough to fill a whole night. Back to the CD in question though and for starters, it's not even 100 hits. It's in fact 80 'tracks' which weren't necessarily hit records, plus 20 karaoke backing tracks. Because as a DJ and music junkie I ‘go the extra mile’ (another one there for all your corporate whores) and try to find music that isn’t on most people’s radars, I think there are a number of tracks that could've been included and made the album not only better value, but also more spooky sounding. These being:

Aqua - Halloween (possibly the most suitable track for a Hallowe’en album ever what with the title being ‘Halloween')

Magic Affair - Omen III Allstars - Things That Go Bump In The Night

The Specials - Ghost Town

MC Hammer - Addams Family Groove

Magic Affair - In The Middle Of The Night

Pet Shop Boys - Vampires

Freemasons - Uninvited

666 - The Devil

And if we're including TV and film themes, how about Rent-a-ghost? These tracks I've named also have a lot more of a Hallowe'en 'sound' to them too, as opposed to merely being something that has a scary word in the title, but isn't the least bit scary musically. Quite a few of the inclusions here are pushing it a bit. I mean, Steps' cover of ‘Better the Devil You Know’ is not a Hallowe'en record. Nor is ‘Abracadabra’ by Steve Miller Band. You just get the feeling that this has been compiled by someone who has just scanned the Guinness Book of Hit Singles for anything that has the word 'devil' in the title, rather than by someone with a bit of musical knowledge. Oddly, the delightful banjo-plucking anthem "Swamp Thing", by The Grid appears to be on here too. We’re presumably meant to be scared by the mere title here rather than the music itself then. A much more suitable dance track to have used would have been the haunting, sinister 'Nightmare' by Brainbug. (YouTube it, peasants). ‘Thriller’ was obviously too expensive for them as it only appears here as a karaoke backing track on the fifth disc of the set. I suspect these other omissions I've highlighted though, are more down to a lack of musical knowledge, than budget. All in all, a bit more of a trick than a treat. Booooo!

It was Mother’s Day the other week and I spotted this cracking selection in Sainsbury’s – The Best Mum in the World Ever! Now before I go on, you might like to have a bit of a go at guessing what might be on here. Again, it’s a difficult theme to have, not because of a lack of mum themed songs (Spice Girls’ ‘Mama’ not included here), but what sort of mum do you direct it at? Your average middle-aged mum is unlikely to enjoy the kind of guff that some younger mums might. I would imagine there’s market for an album for the kind of mum that sits at home all day, LOLing on Facebook during the advert breaks in Jeremy Kyle, which certainly wouldn’t contain the likes of Sir Cliff or Donny ‘zero-fillings’ Osmond. Saying that, there wouldn’t be a profitable market as these types would more than likely download it illegally anyway. Or get someone else to as they’re too busy OMGing at a cat dancing to gangnam style whilst falling off a skateboard (or perhaps ‘failing on a skateboard’) and burning off its hair with some hair straighteners. In a wheelie bin. Whilst a goat screams like a man. But yes, mums. Generally I think in the same way dad flavoured LPs are stuffed with nothing other than big-haired-small-cocked rock ‘anthems’ you would begrudgingly accept that a ‘mum’ version would be peppered with the output of Heart and Magic FM. And Leo Sayer. So I was rather bemused to find on The Best Mum…. a plethora of not even tenuously linked tracks; most notably MC Hammer’s ‘U Can’t Touch This’ and the flat, punch-less drivel ‘Ice Ice Baby’ by our old friend Vanilla ‘bankrupt-jet-ski-shop’ Ice. I cannot for the life of me work out the link to mums there at all. I’m open to suggestions though. It’s not even like they’re just widely renowned girls’ anthems like ‘I Will Survive’, ‘Dancing Queen’ or the Outhere Brothers’ ‘Fuk U in the Ass’ (possibly not a girls’ anthem). Also on here is EMF’s ‘Unbelievable’, which I can only assume is present for its title and nothing else, but the song itself isn’t about someone being unbelievable in a positive way, but more unbelievable in the way that Peter Kay keeps re-hashing DVDs of the same show every Christmas. There’s also something worryingly incestuous about some of the other choices too, ‘That’s The Way (I Like It)’ for example;

When I get to be in your arms,

When we're all, all alone,

When you whisper sweet in my ear,

When you turn, turn me on...

Happy Mother’s Day indeed…

You can investigate this further if you like – and report back to me any findings. Go to Amazon, search for ‘Housework Songs’ and take it from there.

You also get those albums called ‘Back To School, or School Disco’. Clearly there’s a big market for reminiscing about the songs you used to listen to when you were at school. I loved school, me, so I thought I’d take a look at them. Complete rubbish. They weren’t the songs I remember from school. I think I found about 5 albums on this ‘school’ theme and not one of them, not one, contained ‘Milk, Milk, Lemonade’, ‘We Three Kings Of Leicester Square’ or ‘Listen To This, Too Good To Miss’. Those are the kind of songs I remember from my school days. Not forgetting ‘Silence In The Balcony, Silence In The Court’ and ‘Whilst shepherds washed their socks by night’. Someone should record all those songs properly and release them. Someone like Aqua I reckon. They’re still going – under the radar – and should bring out a Euro pop cover version of ‘My Friend Billy’s Got A Ten Foot Willy’. Be great. I’d buy it. The charts have got far too dirgey and attitude-filled these days. Everyone’s so self-indulgent, serious and pretentious. We need more tacky pop nonsense to lighten things up. And help us do the dusting. Anyway, I have some housework to do. Where’s my Kenny Loggins ‘Best of’?